I recently made a post about the grief I still experience after my mother’s death, and how it’s never discussed in my family. My guess is that I am not alone in being in a family where the death of a family member is not mentioned. The research says that unprocessed, unverbalized grief can have very real impact on your physical and mental health. Read on.
The Hidden Harm of Unprocessed Grief
Grief is something we all experience when we lose someone or something important to us. It’s a natural response to loss and can come with many emotions, like sadness, anger, guilt, or confusion. For most people, grief becomes easier to handle over time. But when it doesn’t, and emotions stay bottled up, grief can harm our mental and physical health in serious ways.
What Is Grief?
Grief isn’t just feeling sad, and it is not the same as depression. It’s a mix of emotions that can show up unexpectedly, triggered by memories or reminders of the loss. Healthy grieving means facing and working through these feelings so we can move forward. When grief gets stuck, though, it can become unprocessed and start causing problems.
How Unprocessed Grief Can Hurt
Ignoring or avoiding grief doesn’t make it go away—it often makes things worse. Here are some ways unprocessed grief can harm us:
Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD): Some people get stuck in grief for months or even years. This is called prolonged grief disorder. It can make everyday life hard and increase the risk of depression or anxiety.
Depression and PTSD: When grief is unresolved, it can lead to deeper mental health problems like depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These conditions add to the pain and make it harder to heal.
Substance Abuse: Some people try to numb their feelings with alcohol or drugs. While this might help in the moment, it usually leads to bigger problems and makes healing even harder.
Physical Health Issues: Grief doesn’t just affect our minds—it can also take a toll on our bodies. Unprocessed grief can lead to stress-related health issues like high blood pressure, heart problems, and a weaker immune system.
The Ripple Effects of Grief
Grief doesn’t just affect the person going through it—it impacts their relationships, work, and community. When someone is stuck in grief, they might pull away from loved ones or have trouble communicating. At work, grief can lower productivity and cause people to miss days, adding stress to their lives and others around them.
How to Heal from Grief
Healing from grief takes time, but there are ways to make the process easier:
Therapy: Talking to a counselor can help you understand and work through your feelings.Support Groups: Sharing your story with others who have experienced loss can help you feel less alone.
Mindfulness and Rituals: Activities like meditation, journaling, or creating a special way to honor your loss can bring comfort.
Talk to the dead: Many people have conversations with the person who has passed. This may happen graveside, in a meaningful location you shared, or anywhere at all. In my case, I sat in the darkness on a sofa each morning and talked to my mother silently. I also wrote her letters in my journal.
Open Conversations: Talking openly about grief helps people feel understood and supported. It’s important to create spaces where it’s okay to share these feelings.
Social Media: If you are comfortable, make a post about your loss on Facebook, Instagram or wherever you choose. I see many posts about pets who have passed and have often seen an outpouring of support. It might help if your post is restricted to friends.
My Journey
Sadly, I am expert on grief—or at least my version of grief. Within a ten-year period I lost the three people who were most important to me—my grandmother, my partner, and then my mother. With each loss, I became better at learning how to handle it. I became a messy griever—sad, angry, gushing tears when I needed to. Taking a day off from work when I needed to. Eating cookies when I needed to.
For me, crying was an essential part of my process, but I did it in a specific way. I went to church or to a movie and I cried for several minutes. I never worried what onlookers might think, these places provided an explanation for why I might be crying. More importantly, I knew that the movie or service would come to an end— I could not cry the whole day— I would need to go back to the business of life.
At different times, I used all of the tips I just discussed—you will find which ones work for you, as everyone’s experience with grief is a little different. One might ask, so did you get over it in the end? No. I integrated it. The losses that I suffered are very much part of me. I am a different person because of them. A little sadder, but also more empathic and thoughtful. And when I am joyful, intensely joyful.
At times I still feel the loss of those three people acutely. But just as acutely, I feel grateful to have been so deeply loved. Without the love that I gave and received, I would not have experienced the pain of their loss. It will always be a part of my journey.
Conclusion
Grief is hard, but avoiding it only makes it harder. When we take the time to work through our emotions, we give ourselves the chance to heal. Grieving is not a weakness—it’s a natural part of life and love. By facing it, we can find ways to move forward and honor what we’ve lost.